


Goodbye my Almost Lover...

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-08
Updated: 2008-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jensen says goodbye... Will Jared let his heart be? Major tear jerker.Not really a song fic, but sort-of is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Jensen wanted something to be passionate about. He sighed and rolled over in bed, the moon light pouring through the window casting silvery pools across the room.

 

He liked acting, he did. And he knew how lucky he was to be doing something that so many people aspired to be, and never got the shot at it... He felt like such a dick.

 

Lucky.

 

He was lucky; and he should damn well count his blessings. But for some reason it was getting harder and harder to do.

 

Because Jensen had something he was passionate about. He did... He just couldn't act on it.

 

It started early, just after the first season started. There had been chemistry. Chemistry like none other that he had ever felt... But he didn't understand it, and by the time he did... Well, Jared was with Sandy. 

 

And straight. Did he mention that? Because his mind screamed it at him every time Jared entered his thoughts.

 

And while Jensen maybe lucky with his particular career... He knew that he wouldn't be lucky enough to have a straight man fall in love with him. Even if Jared had had a straight man fall for him.

 

Because Jensen was straight. Or he had been. But he still didn't classify himself as 'gay' either. It wasn't like he wanted to bone Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp, or even George Clooney... He just... He wanted to wrap his arms around Jared every night when he fell asleep, and wake up to him every morning.

 

He was passionate about Jared... And back to how that had started. It hadn't started with the chemistry. Well, when he thought about it, technically it did, but well...

 

It had been just after 'Wendigo' aired, his brother had called him laughing his ass off because their grandmother had stumbled upon some gay story about his and Jared's characters on the show and spun into a level of pissed off that had never been seen before.

 

Jensen had laughed along, and as soon as he got off the phone he jumped on the computer and looked for the story his grandmother had found.

 

How stupid he was to think that there would be just one. he had read them like most people eat popcorn. In huge -sickeningly large- amounts. Reading until his eyes felt so dry he wouldn't have been surprised if they shriveled up and dropped out of his skull. Reading until the make-up girls started complaining about the amount of concealer they had to use on the bags under his eyes. Reading until Kripke told him to get back on his game. Reading until the drive home got too long and he ended up sleeping in his trailer and reading the stories on his laptop at every spare moment he had.

 

So, he had taken what he assumed was the next logical step. Trying to write a wincest fic.

 

That was when Jensen realized that he couldn't plot a story if his life depended on it, and further more, his grammar sucked.

 

His stories were so bad, he rarely made it past the first two paragraphs.

 

He'd given those up when he'd found his first RPF.

 

Reading about Jared bending him over and fucking him until he screamed... Well, that had sent him over the edge, and he knew if he read another one of those, he'd go into some variation of The Hulk and Tarzan combined and knock Jared on the head and drag him back to his trailer and make him his love slave...

 

So Jensen had turned to his music. The one thing he used to think he was secretly passionate about.

 

The fact that he was able to pull stings at random and have them make a pleasant sound... He used to love that. And then he'd tried to write a song, and he finally heard how much he sucked.

 

That didn't help his mood much.

 

So he just threw himself into his work, and Kripke noticed. All of a sudden Dean was an emotional wreck every other week, and it was honestly starting to piss him off. He was very protective of the characters that he played, and Dean... Dean was starting to act like more of an emo bitch than Sammy was.

 

Or he would have been, but it seemed like Jared had some kind of weird urge to keep one up-ing him at every chance, and Sammy was getting more and more emotional as well. Tears and almost hugging made at least on appearance... 

 

Basically chick-flick moments... And that was all Jensen needed, an excuse to get closer to Jared... ALL the damn time.

 

Jensen rolled onto his back again, counting swirls on his ceiling, ignoring the ever-present knots in his stomach. 

 

He knew what he was passionate about, it just wasn't one of those things that he could make a career from. After all, who'd ever heard of a professional Jared Padalecki enthusiast?

 

No one.

 

And that... Well, that just sucked. Because you could ask him anything about Jared, and Jensen was pretty sure he knew the answer. Name, age, birthday, favorite color, book, food, candy, movie... His favorite shirt. Which was his lucky pair of jeans. What his secret obsession was...

 

If someone wanted to know, all they had to do was ask Jensen and he could answer.

 

He was Jared Tristan Padalecki's biggest fan girl... It was official. And it was killing him. Slowly, but surely his secret love was going to kill him. Especially now.

 

He stood and walked across the room, the warm Vancouver air caressing his bare back, dark cotton sleep pants slung low on his hips.

 

He picked up his guitar and sat down on the truck at the end of his bed. He laid the strap around his neck and caressed it softly. It had once been his biggest love, and he knew that he was going to be counting on it now more than ever.

 

Supernatural was over... The series had ended... As had his days spent with Jared. That was over a year ago, and he still wasn't sleeping, still stayed up thinking of that one man...

 

He closed his eyes and let his soul pick the song. And it did, and soon he was playing a song he didn't remember ever learning... And singing along. He knew his range wasn't as good as the woman who sang it, but his voice was low and husky... And filled with the pain that was needed to really bring the song to life.

 

"You fingertips against my skin... The palm trees swaying in the wind...Images..." He bowed his head, letting the pain he was feeling fill his voice, "You sang me Spanish lullabies... The sweetest sadness in your eyes... Clever trick...." He knew the words were filled with loneliness, but it felt so good to get it out for once, "I never want to see you unhappy... I thought you'd want the same for me...

 

"Goodbye, my almost lover... Goodbye, my hopeless dream... I'm trying not to think about you... Can't you just let me be?" He kept playing even as he heard his voice quaver, "So long, my luckless romance... My back is turned on you... I should've known you'd bring me heartache... Almost lovers always do...."

 

Jensen opened his eyes and looked down at his hand slowly strumming, "We walked along a crowded street... You took my hand and danced with me... Images....

 

"And when you left you kissed my lips... You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no....

 

"I never want to see you unhappy... I thought you'd want the same for me....

 

"Goodbye, my almost lover... Goodbye, my hopeless dream..." Jensen closed his eyes, the words pouring from him as if they were his own, "I'm trying not to think about you... Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance... My back is turned on you... I should've known you'd bring me heartache... Almost lovers always do....

 

Jensen's voice was a little stronger now, but filled with the same heart break, "I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning... Without you on my mind... But so you're gone and I'm haunted, And I bet you are just fine, Did I make it that easy... To walk right in and out of my life?

 

"Goodbye, my almost lover... " Jensen tried to ignore the fact that his playing was slowing, "Goodbye, my hopeless dream... I'm trying not to think about you... Can't you just let me be?" Tried to ignore the fact that these weren't just words he was singing, it was his silent plea, his quiet confession, "So long, my luckless romance... My back is turned on you... I should've known you'd bring me heartache..." Tried to ignore the tears as they started to slip down his cheeks, " Almost lovers always do..." 

 

He pulled the guitar from his neck and held it in his lap. It was blurry through his tears. An acoustic guitar was no substitute for the man it played music about. He didn't hesitate, just threw it against the wall. He knew it was broken, knew that the neck had snapped, but didn't look to see. Didn't need to. He walked to his window, the tears on his cheeks.

 

Jensen was hurting, hurting so much, and he didn't know how to make it stop. He turned from the bright, full moon and sank to the ground, elbows on knees, hands behind his head, back against the wall under the window.

 

The bedroom door opened and Jensen looked up. It was Jared, Jared had come back for him. He watched, tears abating as Jared walked in with out a word and held out his hand. Jensen took it, and suddenly felt very light, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

Jared's large hands cradled his head, his thumbs wiped away the tears and he laid a gentle kiss on Jensen's lips. Jensen's eyes fluttered closed and the feeling of Jared surrounding him was gone, and he was cold. He opened his eyes.

 

He was laying in the tub, the water icy around him. He couldn't stop the tears. He felt them stream down his cheeks, leaving a salty trail in their wake as he leaned over the edge of the tub and picked up the bottle. He poured the collection of cheerful looking pills into his hand and swallowed them dry. He closed his eyes, one last tear slipping down his cheek as he murmured his last words, "Goodbye my almost lover..."


End file.
